


The Reason The Willow Weeps

by Loor



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Dreams, Friendship, Gen, Memories, unintentional suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 16:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1556489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loor/pseuds/Loor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Panic at the Disco split up years ago. The Young Veins don't exist anymore. And Ryan Ross, he is not doing well at all. Sleepless nights are followed by dreams hunting him from the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reason The Willow Weeps

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time, when I was still majorly invested in bandom, I wrote some stuff. This is a work I am particularly proud of. Old stuff, brought over from Mibba.
> 
> The poem, highlighted in italics, is written by the amazing Iain Thomas, also known for his I Wrote This For You series.

_It weeps for you late at night, when sleep does not come easily._  
3:00. Ryan Ross sighs as the red letters of his alarm clock stare back at him through the dark. Once again he cannot catch sleep. He has been tossing and turning since he went to bed around midnight. Stubbornly he turns around again and tries to clear his mind.  
Another hour passes until he finally gives up, gives in. He doesn’t bother turning on the light as he grabs the bottle of sleeping pills from his nightstand. He doesn’t count them before swallowing a handful. And a couple more just to be sure.  
Ryan Ross smiles as he finally feels himself drift off into unconsciousness.  
  
 _It weeps for the one you miss._  
Brendon’s face is the first that crosses his mind.  
Ryan easily remembers everything about the moment Brent introduced him to Brendon. The first thing Ryan had noticed about Brendon was his beautiful smile. That smile that warmed Ryan’s heart from the moment he first saw it. That smile that always reached to Brendon’s eyes, his beautiful, dark brown eyes. Those eyes that would light up whenever Brendon got excited about something, that sparkled when Brendon was happy or content. Although everyone thinks of Brendon as the hyperactive, rambling boy, he never needed much words around Ryan. Ryan only needs simple gestures to understand Brendon. A look, a simple smile in his direction are enough to brighten up Ryan’s day. Or at least they used to be.  
The face in Ryan’s dream isn’t smiling. His eyes are dark, dull, and a single tear rolls down his cheek. It is a memory of the day that Ryan went to pick up the last of his stuff from Panic’s rehearsal space. A reminder of the last time Ryan spoke to Brendon.  
  
 _It weeps for the dreams on the tips of your fingers._  
When Brendon’s face fades, Jon’s quickly replaces it.  
Ryan isn’t sure how long it has been since he has seen Jon. It could be two months, maybe three. Ryan remembers that when they asked Jon to join Panic, he responded without much emotion. Sure, why not? His reaction had taken Ryan aback at the time, but over the years he had learned that was just Jon. Easy going, laid back. Supportive too. When Ryan had decided he wanted to leave Panic, Jon didn’t ask any questions. He even granted Ryan a small smile when he asked if Jon wanted to come with him, start a new band on their own. Sure, why not? Easy going, that’s Jon for you. Or at least he used to be.  
The face that Ryan sees isn’t peaceful, not at ease or content. His eyebrows are knitted together in a frown and his mouth is yelling profanities at Ryan. It is a memory of the day that Jon finally got fed up with Ryan. The day the cracks in their new band, that never really was one to start with, tore all the way through. A reminder of the last time Ryan saw Jon.  
  
 _It weeps for appointments missed and it weeps for the tears in your pillow._  
Despite the fact that he is asleep, Ryan still feels uncomfortable when Spencer’s face appears.  
Even after more than two years, the thought of not having Spencer around anymore still makes Ryan feel uncomfortable. Spencer has been around for as long as Ryan can remember. Nine out of ten memories Ryan has include Spencer. Whenever Ryan wasn’t feeling well, Spencer’s presence would be enough to pull him through. When they played a show, Spencer would make sure Ryan wasn’t wearing his shirt backwards or something like that. When they were off tour, they would have movie nights together, watching chick flicks with tears of laughter running down their cheeks. Whether the occasion is unimportant or world changing, whether Ryan is crying or laughing, Spencer is always around. Or at least he used to be.  
The face in Ryan’s mind is smiling, it is happy. But it isn’t looking at Ryan. It is a memory of Spencer’s first birthday party after Panic split up, Spencer’s first birthday party in years that Ryan didn’t go to. A reminder of how hard Ryan cried when he saw the pictures on twitter, how much he regretted his decision.  
  
 _It weeps for the silence and it weeps for the noise._  
“Some people never change, they just stay the same way.” When Spencer’s face disappears, Ryan hears a whisper, a song. The words are somewhat familiar and oh so fitting.  
When Ryan wrote the song, he had felt he was in need of another change. Ryan likes change. He thinks it’s good for him, it keeps him alive. So when he got bored with Jac, he exchanged her for Keltie. When he was tired of the theatrics of A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out, he wrote Pretty.Odd. When he felt that Panic had nothing to offer anymore, he left and started a new band. Or at least he tried to.  
Yes, Ryan thinks he definitely changed a lot over the years. Except, he hasn’t. Not really. Because in the end Ryan is still where he once started. He is still the shy guy that hides behind complicated metaphors. The fanboy that idolizes Pete Wentz, even after their friendship ended years ago. The boy who misses being in a band with his best friends, even if he is too stubborn to admit it.  
  
 _It weeps for formal letters where once, language was spoken as close to your ear as possible._  
The song changes into Mendelssohn’s wedding march and Ryan is surprised at first. Then the wedding invitation flashes through his mind.  
Spencer Smith and Haley Heckenberg invite you to join them in celebrating their marriage on Saturday the seventh of August two thousand and ten. Although they had not spoken to each other in over a year, the invitation had not surprised Ryan. He knew that Spencer did not invite him because the media thought they were still friends or because he wanted the fans to think everything was okay. Spencer simply invited him because he still considered Ryan as his friend, because he missed talking to Ryan. Ryan can’t do anything to hurt Spencer’s feelings. Or at least he couldn’t.  
When Ryan received the invitation, he booked a flight to New York. He wanted to get as far away from LA as possible, away from prying eyes and questions about his non-existent new music. The invitation is a memory of the day that Ryan tried to flee from the world for the first time. A reminder of one of the many times he hurt Spencer’s feelings.  
  
 _It weeps for betrayal, intended or not._  
The invitation disappears and makes room for a bunch of words.  
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies… Going on day 3 now, still can’t find it. Afraid I may have to get a new one and start over… I’m a fighter not a lover… Done! I lose. Least I tried… It takes Ryan a moment to realize they are tweets he posted in the month before the split was announced. Ryan remembers being curious if the fans might figure it all out. He remembers being scared for their reaction. For Brendon’s reaction. Brendon’s reaction, his opinion, is important to Ryan. Or at least it used to be.  
When he posted the messages, Brendon had asked if something was going on. Jokingly wondered about conspiracies. Ryan had just laughed, assured Brendon nothing was wrong and crossed his fingers behind his back. The words are a memory of the secret meetings Ryan used to have with Jon. A reminder of the first time ever he lied to Brendon.  
  
 _It weeps for the friends you once were._  
The images that flood through Ryan’s head now pick up speed.  
Ryan sees a sea of hands waving from side to side while he hears Brendon laughing besides him. Spencer singing along with Freddie Mercury at the top of his lungs. Brendon sitting in front of him, trying to sit still long enough for Ryan to finish his make-up. Playing hacky sack with Jon and Shane. Brendon slandering over the stage and kissing his neck. Dozens of images, dozens of memories. But it’s not like Ryan misses those times. Or at least he tells himself he doesn’t.  
Ryan had felt relieved, free when he left Panic. Brendon’s spastics made room for civilized conversations with Alex and Jon. He made new friends and fooled around a bit with Kate. He fake-married Z because he didn’t have to be the grown-up for once. And then one night he was singing Journey with Alex at the top of his lungs in a karaoke bar. And when Alex teasingly pushed him away, he couldn’t help but think how Brendon would have pulled him closer to share the microphone. The images are memories of good times and laughter, on and off stage. A reminder of old friends that were lost along the way.  
  
 _It weeps for the colors faded. It weeps for sunrise._  
The stream of images slows down at two faded, dusty vinyl covers.  
A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out and Pretty.Odd. the records read. Ryan remembers stuffing the records in a cardboard box, together with his copy of A Picture With Books, his reinvent love vest and a bunch of other stuff he collected over the years. He left the box in the attic of his old place when he moved out. When he wanted to start a new life, a new band. Ryan had felt like he had been in the dark for too long, and a new start would bring new light to his life. At least that’s what he hoped for.  
Ryan’s life changed a lot since he moved out, moved on. But Ryan feels like he is living during polar night since that day. Because there was never a sunrise, never really a new start. The Young Veins never worked out and Ryan sometimes wonders if the dusty box is still there or if the new owners threw his memories out with the trash. The covers are a memory of hours spend rummaging through that box. A reminder of a past where Ryan was young and happier than he has been in a long time.  
  
 _It weeps for a death in the family and it weeps when a baby is born._  
When the vinyl covers fade, a familiar face is looking at Ryan.  
The face is staring straight ahead and a tear rolls down its cheek, Ryan thinks he is staring in a mirror. Then he notices Jon kneeling down and putting a bouquet of lilies on the grave. Spencer’s hand on his shoulder. Brendon’s fingers intertwined with his own. For a moment, Ryan thinks he can really feel Brendon’s fingers, but he shrugs the feeling off as the crying of a baby distracts him. He turns around to see Pete pick Bronx out of his crib. “That is going to be you someday.” Jon’s voice says. The guys are always there to pull him through. Or at least they used to be.  
Ryan remembers thinking how he wanted a family with Keltie one day, when he first saw Pete with Bronx and Ashlee. Now Keltie is gone, Hobo is gone and the guys are living their own lives. The face is a memory of days when Spencer would be on his doorstep before Ryan even had the chance to pick up the phone. Days where Brendon would hold him in his arms until he fell asleep. A reminder of chances missed and dreams faded.  
  
 _It weeps for the last time you touched._  
Ryan suddenly finds himself in his room again, staring at his acoustic guitar.  
The wooden instrument, that used to be in perfect shape, is now dusty and hidden in a dark corner of his bedroom. He hasn’t written anything decent since him and Jon left Panic. Ryan slowly steps forward and picks the guitar from its stand. He goes to sit down on the bed and blows away some dust before gently strumming the strings. A few notes are all Ryan needs to get inspired. Or at least it used to be.  
Change was the last song he wrote, and that was while sitting in a corner and silently watching Brendon play Rockband, a month or two before Ryan left. Not that he didn’t try to write, he really did. It’s just that he wasn’t able to concentrate without Brendon’s distractions and Spencer’s caramel lattes. The guitar is a memory of the days when Ryan could lock himself in his head and come out a few hours later with a finished song. A reminder of a life that was inspiring, a life where Ryan felt loved and safe.  
  
 _It weeps for words that can never be taken back._  
“So this is it then?”  
The harsh voice coming from behind him doesn’t surprise Ryan. He carefully places his guitar on the bed before turning around. “I guess so.” He hears himself say. Spencer doesn’t say anything, just simply nods from across the table. It was always simple with Spencer. No redundant conversation, no yelling or screaming. Just one question and a simple answer. They stare at each other for a moment and then get up, both turning around to go their separate ways.  
It does surprise Ryan to see Brendon standing across the street. This isn’t how he remembers things. He reluctantly walks over and waits for Brendon to talk. “I can’t believe you are just giving up,” Brendon speaks. “You’re a fighter not a lover, remember?” Ryan is surprised that Brendon still remembers that tweet. He closes his eyes for a moment before speaking. “I’ve been fighting for too long now. I’m tired, Brendon.” He confesses with a sigh. To his surprise, Brendon doesn’t say anything. The otherwise obnoxiously loud boy just pulls Ryan into a warm embrace. Ryan lets himself lean into the younger boy’s body. He closes his eyes and welcomes the darkness that sweeps over him.  
  
 _It weeps so hard and so much and so often. So you don't have to. So you can carry on._ _  
 _It weeps for you. When you have run out of weeping.__  
When Ryan opens his eyes again, it takes him a moment to adapt to the bright light. After blinking a few times he takes in his surroundings. Unfamiliar, and uninviting. Except for that one corner. Ryan feels his heart speed up at the sight of Spencer and Jon sitting in the far corner. Short, rapid whispers flow through the air and they are oblivious of the fact that Ryan is awake.  
And then, as quickly as Ryan’s heart sped up at the sight of Jon and Spencer, it suddenly stops. Ryan’s heart misses a beat as he realizes that his fingers are intertwined with someone else’s. Ryan doesn’t even have to turn his head to know the younger boy is sitting next to him, but he does anyway. Brendon’s face is worried, even in his sleep. He seems older, a lot more mature than the last time they saw each other.  
Ryan doesn’t even realize his thumb is slowly caressing the back of Brendon’s hand until the younger boys eyes slowly flutter open. Brendon blinks a few times and then suddenly a million things seem to happen at once. Brendon lets out a squeal when he notices Ryan is awake and the next moment he is almost crushing Ryan in a hug. Spencer is trying to calm Brendon down, pointing out that he is probably hurting Ryan, but Ryan hears the tone of Spencer’s voice and knows he is smiling like a lunatic. Jon is still in the far corner, and Ryan hears him rapidly talking. “Hey Pete. Yeah, he’s awake man!... Shane, good news. Yeah, he’ll be fine if Brendon doesn’t hug him to death… Erik, it’s Jon…” And for the first time in a very long time, Ryan dares to think that everything is going to be okay.  
The doctors explain Ryan that he took an overdose of sleeping pills. His stomach was pumped and he has been out for a day and a half. They talk about antidepressants and psychiatrists, but Ryan doesn’t really hear any of it. He can only look at the three men sitting around his bed. He still doesn’t understand how he got such amazing friends. Or why they are still around after everything that happened. “I’m sorry,” He whispers after the doctors leave. The words come out before the thought is consciously formed in his head. Three mouths open, but nobody gets the chance to speak as Ryan rambles on. “Sorry about everything. About missing your wedding, Spence. About…”  
Spencer is the first one that tries to stop him. “Shut up, Ross!” He spits out.  
The tone isn’t harsh and Ryan has no trouble ignoring the words. “I really am sorry. I can’t even believe you guys are still around. All these years, everything that happened and…”  
This time it is Brendon who reacts. His grumble is barely audible, but it is enough to make Ryan go quiet.  
“Did you really think it would be this easy to get rid of us?” Jon asks mockingly. “Yes, you hurt us,” He admits.  
“And of course we were mad at you,” Spencer adds. “But we know you are stubborn idiot.”  
“And that you are a fighter, not a lover, like I said earlier,” Brendon says. And Ryan remembers the conversation and the intertwined fingers in his sleep and a smile slowly forms on his face. “But unlike you, we are lovers, not fighters,” Brendon goes on. “And we never stopped loving you.”  
“We never gave up on you,” Spencer says with a reassuring smile.  
“None of us.” Jon finishes.  
And Ryan knows Jon is talking about Pete and Shane and Zack and all of Ryan’s old friends he has hurt or ignored over the past few years. The people he stood up to hang out with his new hipster friends.  
The thought makes Ryan realize that Alex might wonder where he is. If he remembers correctly, they were supposed to hang out last night. He wonders if Alex even knows why he didn’t show up. “Does Greenwald know that I am in the hospital?” He voices his thoughts.  
The question is directed at Jon, who doesn’t look surprised, just uncomfortable. “He was the one that found you, called 911… Then he called me and… He is in New York and…” Jon stutters. The look in his eyes is apologetic when he finishes the sentence. “He said not to call him, that he didn’t have time for your problems, Ry.”  
Silence fills the room and Ryan stares at Jon for a moment. He is not sure how he feels about that information. “I have to go to the bathroom,” He eventually announces.  
“Ryan…” Jon starts out.  
“I’m fine Jon, really.” Ryan assures his friend. And he really is. Oddly enough, it doesn’t bother him at all that Alex isn’t around anymore.  
Before Ryan walks back into his room, he takes in the scene before him. He lets out a content sigh. Brendon’s fingers are tapping a rhythm, which Ryan recognizes as Fleetwood Mac’s Don’t Stop, and the boy is staring out the window, a smile lighting his features. Jon is talking on the phone again, sparkle in his eyes. Spencer turns around when Ryan walks in and with a small wink in Ryan’s direction, he quickly snaps a picture with his iPhone. Ryan laughs out loud and for the first time in a very long time, he knows that everything will be okay.


End file.
